That one old man who cannot let go.

I've been volunteering at the local's palliative care center for these few days....

So they allow me to follow 3 nurses around for 3 days.. So while they talk and treat patients, I'll stand there like a wood block observing...

Today is the 3rd day,  and we visited this particular old man..

He's around 60 to 70 years old.. but he doesn't have cancer..

He's wife had.. and passed away last year.  But it seems like he's having trouble to let go..

Well, that's what the nurse told me when she parked the car opposite his house.. She even assured me not to freak out when this man start crying..

So, as we walked towards his house, I try to get the first peek into the house.. and there he was.. Sitting at the table alone, reading newspaper..
When the nurse called his name, he looked up and smiled at us.. But the first thing I noticed about him was his eyes...

I never seen one eyes with such loneliness before..

We went in, the nurse introduced me to him and we started talking.. ok.. not me.. but the nurse and the old man... First, it was just normal chatting, like asking normal questions like "How are you, Have you eaten, What have you been doing these days"..   Slowly, he started to talk about his wife...

Then, the tears started. At first, he tried holding it back... but once he touches the topic about his wife's death  ... he can no longer hold back anymore...

Have you ever missed some one so much, so very much that you felt so helpless?
and you know no matter how much you want this person back, they're just gone.. leaving you staring out to the past??

Well, that man did.. and still is, missing her..

He told us that every night, he'll be by the door and wait,  and hope... hoping to see her walking back towards him, but night by night, day by day... what he see is an old empty road, an empty space, that he and she used to walk by..

He had known her for 50 years plus.. but the days without her felt more like 50 years... it felt like forever... He feels that he's just trapped with the memories with her... He wants to go to her, but she's too far, barely within reach... barely within sight... no longer there.

His diary, ( he let me read his diary).. was just full of grief, guilt and self pity.. ... The way he penned down his emotion into that blank piece of paper, it was really beautiful but sad.. He wrote it all in Chinese.. Even though, I suck in Chinese, I still can feel his pain of losing his wife through his words....

So everyday, he goes on and on with life... waiting for the time that he can finally reunite with his wife..

When it was time to leave, I waved at him, and he nodded back at me..
as we drove off, I saw him standing by the door, I gave my final wave again because this is the last time I'm going to see him...  I saw him solemnly waving back...and then it's just him, and the house which was once shared by him and his wife.

My heart goes all out to him..