That one old man who cannot let go.

I've been volunteering at the local's palliative care center for these few days....

So they allow me to follow 3 nurses around for 3 days.. So while they talk and treat patients, I'll stand there like a wood block observing...

Today is the 3rd day,  and we visited this particular old man..

He's around 60 to 70 years old.. but he doesn't have cancer..

He's wife had.. and passed away last year.  But it seems like he's having trouble to let go..

Well, that's what the nurse told me when she parked the car opposite his house.. She even assured me not to freak out when this man start crying..

So, as we walked towards his house, I try to get the first peek into the house.. and there he was.. Sitting at the table alone, reading newspaper..
When the nurse called his name, he looked up and smiled at us.. But the first thing I noticed about him was his eyes...

I never seen one eyes with such loneliness before..

We went in, the nurse introduced me to him and we started talking.. ok.. not me.. but the nurse and the old man... First, it was just normal chatting, like asking normal questions like "How are you, Have you eaten, What have you been doing these days"..   Slowly, he started to talk about his wife...

Then, the tears started. At first, he tried holding it back... but once he touches the topic about his wife's death  ... he can no longer hold back anymore...

Have you ever missed some one so much, so very much that you felt so helpless?
and you know no matter how much you want this person back, they're just gone.. leaving you staring out to the past??

Well, that man did.. and still is, missing her..

He told us that every night, he'll be by the door and wait,  and hope... hoping to see her walking back towards him, but night by night, day by day... what he see is an old empty road, an empty space, that he and she used to walk by..

He had known her for 50 years plus.. but the days without her felt more like 50 years... it felt like forever... He feels that he's just trapped with the memories with her... He wants to go to her, but she's too far, barely within reach... barely within sight... no longer there.

His diary, ( he let me read his diary).. was just full of grief, guilt and self pity.. ... The way he penned down his emotion into that blank piece of paper, it was really beautiful but sad.. He wrote it all in Chinese.. Even though, I suck in Chinese, I still can feel his pain of losing his wife through his words....

So everyday, he goes on and on with life... waiting for the time that he can finally reunite with his wife..

When it was time to leave, I waved at him, and he nodded back at me..
as we drove off, I saw him standing by the door, I gave my final wave again because this is the last time I'm going to see him...  I saw him solemnly waving back...and then it's just him, and the house which was once shared by him and his wife.

My heart goes all out to him..

Back from Chinese land

I'm back from China, The Land of the Chinese.....

& I'm currently deciding whether or not to post every single detail about this trip... because it'll be a very long and boring one if I did... if you don't die of reading it, I probably die writing it...

So here's a short summary about it.

The trip.. was SUPPOSED to be fun...

I was SUPPOSED  to enjoy myself....

I had been waiting for this trip for weeks

and on the 1st day I reached Beijing..

I fell sick.

So...... my 1 week was quite miserable.... because I've been counting the days to go back ever since the 1st day..


but... judging the fact that

I get to step into the Forbidden City

I get to climb the Great Wall of China (it's really a climb of a lifetime)

I get to see real life Pandas walking infront of me

I get to see really amazing chinese architecture

It's still kinda cool to me.. even when I have to drag my miserable self to walk... but it was quite an experience.

The Eagle is back to Home Base

This time the flight from Dubai-Kl was far more comfortable than the 5 hours of torment from Moscow-Dubai... because I have my tv...

and also the whole three seats to myself....

Yeah!



















The whole idea of travelling alone especially when it involves transiting sucks alot because:

1. There's no one to watch over your bags...

means you have to constantly be aware of your own belongings.... also means that you have to carry it around anywhere and everywhere you go.. like the toilet....

2. there's no one to wake you up when it's time to board...which then results unnecessary panic moments

Like when I suddenly woke up and realised that no-one was around me... . I checked my time and the clocks say 10.50am while I remembered that the boarding time was 9.30am.... My heart seriously dropped.... I was swearing and cursing here there and everywhere... turns out... that it was actually 9.50am, the gate opens at 9.30am and boarding time was at 10.30am....

3. there's no one to wake you up when it's time to eat...

I missed my flight meal.... well it's no big deal... but this time the meal include TIRAMISU!!! WITH CHOCOLATE SAUCE SOME MORE WEH...... I was craving for that man... well too bad lahh...

But overall, the trip back was alright...

and once the wheels of the plane touches the ground, I realised that everything's over... Kursk is more like a dream to me... I'm home... .... though this place is home.. and it gives me a sense of belonging.... it also gives me the feeling of being trapped...  like a bird... after flying few thousand miles.... it finally returned back to its own cage... & some day, I'll be free again.... & I'll will continue flying.. far away... but no matter how far I fly... I will return back to my very own cage...

& as I stepped out of the airport.... the humid air which again surrounds me... and I'm overwhelmed with my allergy again...... No doubt, I'm home for real.

A quickie in Dubai

I've finally arrived in Dubai airport after a torturous 5 hour flight with no inflight entertainment and with very bad back and shoulders ache ...

The airport is packed with ppl eventhough it's 6 in the morning ... There's so many ppl until it made me grumpy... What a good way to start a morning .... I woke up with aches, have to try to open a path for me to walk because there's too many ppl and the movement was sorta stagnant and I eventually lost my patience and start pushing through... Plus there's no seats and now the only thing that is cheering me up is my burger from burger king ..

So here I am at the gate avoiding humans and waiting for the time to pass... And I'm seeing many tired faces ... I feel for them .. Transitting is indeed exhausting ... 3 hours to me is already like O.M.G.. Imagine having 12 hours of transit.. I think I can just sleep on the floor and wait till being called ...

Anyway I noticed that today I saw alot of Japanese ... Japan on holiday ka ?? All so free to tour Dubai airport.. But they all damn cute lah especially the elderlys .. The old people like to wear the hat which is usually worn by cancer patients .. And they are so easily amazed by small things .. As if that it was god made... And I saw some of then posing infront of the fountain with peace sign ...

And now, I'm not very sure whether I'm at the right gate ... WHY NO MALAYSIANS WAN ??!! All in burger king and starbucks izit ??? Ai ya wth lah .. I still have time ..

More updates soon....

Before flights happenings

What happened on the plane before flight


Nothing......

Thank god I got the aisle seat, at least I won't feel so trapped and I found out that my seat for Dubai-KLIA is a window seat!! I get to lean on the wall and gaze outside anytime I want ...

The plane is full .. And I wonder where all these ppl come from... Don't they have jobs to do, families to feed ??

Oh great, my tv is not working... So much for inflight entertainment.... Argh !! How am I suppose to endure the whole 5 hours flight !?

Now, I am seeing this woman from the business class, snapping pictures of her seat ( FYI, my seat is near the business class zone or izit First class?? Watever lah, conclusion is more glam and syok then economy class) As I was saying this woman was happily snapping photos.. I bet it's her first time in business class .. Very happy hor?? Come snap pictures in the economy class lah, view also not bad wat .. Just crammed only mah...... I see her having a glass of wine too..white wine some more leh.. Wah.. Enjoying the life eh??

Oh my tv is working again, now they are talking about emergency procedure Why do we even need to fasten our seat belts? I mean if ( touchwood ) the plane crash , we all die anyway with or without seat belts ... That's why I never fasten my seat belts...Unless if the seat belts are so cool that makes you look cool maybe I would ( jZ kidding )

Ok, it's time to take off !!! And I realise my tv is not working again W.T.F !!?? Noooooo!!!!!!

Shit lah..

A quickie is Demodedovo

Yeah I've finally found a way to blog through my itouch...after all these years ...(no lah, not years but months) Anyway I'm currently in Moscow Demodedovo Airport and I can't believe that they have wifi here FOR FREE ..no seriously, I thought everything in Russia has a price tag on it...even the Internet.. Turns out I'm wrong leaving me feeling like a noob now ..

So moving on, here I am in the waiting lounge along with 40 or more people around me ...
The women on my left is sleeping with her glasses on.

The woman on my right just took of a shoes and I'm smelling some odd smell slowly creeping into my nose ( it's a mixture of perfume and sweat, mostly it smell like some armpit smell) Oh!! She's wearing glasses too...

The woman infront of me is wearing sunglasses... I guess she's having jet lag because it seems to her that it's day time with super glaring sun shining from nowhere ... Now she just took it off....

There's this boy infront of me, and he's drawing horses, more like drawing a horse head (omg, the feet smell again)

The woman behind me is doing something I don't know because I can't see her , in fact I don't think that she's a woman ....

Now I'm playing peek-a-boo with the horse boy's brother ... We are sticking our tongues, he's hiding ....... And I'm still smelling the feet smell, oh gawd....

So as I look up from my itouch, I saw more people and I guess boarding time is soon ..

Urgh I hate to travel... Don't get me wrong, I love to travel and see the world but the process of it like taking a flight, transit, packing and carrying luggage.. It sucks alot..

So here I am, blogging just to let the 40 minutes pass like a snap.. Of course the people here are interesting, there are:
The couples
The newly wed which you can see lots of PDA
Husbands and wives of all age range
Toodles and small kids that drive their parents crazy
Business men who are either on their laptop or their high- fi bb phones ...
Familes.. I mean big familes.. From baby to greatgrandparents
And last but not least the loners
Like the woman with smelly feet, the girl infront of me , the guy far away from me, people around me, and of course me ...

Ok, I think that's my cue to go ... So more updates soon...

P.s the smell is killing me !!!!!!

A bump that Changed the course of life.

When life starts to sail smoothly, it must always go through bumps.. Big one, small one... I don't know...

Yes.. as I was saying.. Just when I settled down happily... My mum brought me news that I've never expected.

News that made me think twice, thrice.... lots of times...

I don't like to be indecisive because I don't like the feeling of being pulled apart by 2 choices... I don't like regretting because I made lots of mistakes.. & tons of it still comes into my mind with "what if, and why" questions... That's why.. I don't like being indecisive...


& guess what the news is??

I passed the PMC interview......& offered a place in Ireland...

I always wanted to go to Ireland since ever.. since I was, I don't know.. 7?? I was imagining myself smelling the air in Ireland.. That was my one and only dream...Although I do have other dreams... but this dream..is real. Because I know that I would go there some day...

& before that, I got an offer to Russia.. & I think it would be cool to go there... Kind of expected the situation and thought it would be a great challenge for me.. & it would be fun cause it'll make me a stronger person.


& when I arrived here, I like the place more than I've expected because the friends and seniors here are great... Yes.. the one good thing about our country is.. when we go overseas, we are all Malaysians... and we are just this unbreakable circle... I made friends with indians, malay, chinese, sarawakians, sabahans.. Races that I've never mixed before... Heck, I spoke more malay here than in chinese... Seriously.. it was great..

I even told myself that if I really get the Ireland offer, I would reject it.. & I think pretty much nearly convinced myself.. I was telling my mum No, No.. and no... I don't want... on the phone...

Then, when the news came ... I felt so indecisive for the 1st time of my life... I couldn't choose.. I knew this is the chance.. this is the once in a lifetime opportunity... & I'm afraid if I reject it, I would never get that opportunity back again..... On the other hand, I don't want to see the sad faces but some how glad.. but still sad faces of friends... Goodbyes.. are never good... Who loves goodbye...

I consult some of my friends, they were supportive... Very supportive. I really thank you all... Only 1 week of bonding, you're already telling me how much you'll miss me... One of my friend told me that if you were meant to be in a place, you'll some how get there... & she shared her experiences with me... I even prayed ( not pray lah, sort of my way of talking to God) and ask Him to help me...

So.. after 2 days of mind-breaking, deep searching...

I'm going to Ireland...

I'm like touring the world.. From the south to the north... but.. I know that after this decision.. I won't have second thoughts...

Now.. the problem is..

How to get out of this place????

p.s I want to apologise to the people, if I've disappointed you. I'm sorry.

Kursk and a whole lot of things.

Yes, I'm finally in Kursk now. No.. what I meant was.. I finally got my internet after arriving in Kursk after 3 days. So this update, may be a long post.. the content of it is about personal life so you will see some whining and complaining.

So it all started when my family and I reached KLIA at 10.30pm. We were told to meet at 8th door at the airport at 11.00pm. As we walked towards the end of the airport, (door 8th is at the end of the departure level), we couldn't see anybody.. not literally anybody, but student-like persons, getting ready to fly off with big bags.. All we saw were elderly and middle aged people sitting down.. Well, I was thinking that the rest were arriving soon, maybe they'll arrive at 11pm sharp with the person in charge.. but my mother on the other hand, was about to panic.. Well, true enough, they did arrive.. 15 minutes later.. What to do? We're all Malaysians.. Punctuality rarely exist in some of us.

Anyway, so there were 8 of us going. 6 girls and 2 boys.. Girls dominate.. wooohoo.. whatever. Of course we would be get to know each other and become good friends because these are the person that you are practically going to be with for 6 years!! BUT, my mum decided to make things move fast and start introducing me and herself as a mother infront of them... (what the hell?!) Excuse me, does my face have the labels "anti-social", "go away or I'll bite", "fuck off"," what the fuck are you looking at", "I don't like you, so I won't talk to you", "emo-freak" written all over????

Of course not! I know how to make friends.. but doesn mean you have to make friends the second you meet them.. Even though you want to make friends immediately.. first, you start with the smile right? and see whether the person smile back or not THEN only you make friends.. Well, that's my friend's making concept. You don't just go

" Hi, this is Jasmine and I'm her mother, nice to meet you"

& it gets worst, she started asking me to take pictures with the other student... OUT LOUD.

"Jasmine, go take pictures with your friends lah!"
"No, what for?"
" MAKE FRIENDS MAH.."

Seriously, I think my face have the "what the hell " expression all over.

ok, anyway, the journey to Kursk is split into 3.
1st- KL to Dubai (7 hours)
2nd- Dubai to Moscow (5 hours)
3rd- Moscow to Kursk ( 8 hours)
excluding the 4 hours of transit waiting in Dubai

KL-Dubai
The flight to Dubai was ok.. long and tiring. Initially my goal for the journey to Kursk is to watch all the movies on the plane.. but I didn't know that Emirates entertainment has 900 plus movies.. I managed to watch one and fell asleep all the way to Dubai because I was just too tired. Didn't really slept comfortably because the seat was so upright. I sat till my butt ache.

Dubai
So the 4 hours transiting was painfully and awfully to endure because everyone was tired and hungry. Nothing much in Dubai.. I didn't really take pictures because, all airports are the same... so moving on.

Dubai- Moscow.
Now, this is an interesting one. Who said Russians are cold hard fuckface people?? Well, me and my new found friend, Michelle (more about her later) were sitting between two russian men. I sat beside a man around 50 to 60 years and my new found friend sat beside a younger one, maybe around 30 to 40 years. They were good people. friendly and helpful. The younger one would tell us about Russia. Actually, tell her not me coz I was abit far away. Well, me on the other hand, have to do sign language with the guy beside me beside he couldn't speak english, and I doubt he understand a lot of english. He spoke Russian to me while I just do the pointing.. Oh ya, about this guy.. I bet he's a rich-fuck.. Know why?? He have golden teeth implanted into his god damn mouth! TEETH!!! not tooth.. 3 golden tooth!! I SHIT YOU NOT.. and he was smiling and gesturing at me about his duty-free gifts that he bought in Dubai.. mostly were vodka..
& when we were arriving Russia, I have to fill in the immigration card which was in Russian.. although there were translation, there are some parts that require inquiry.. So that Russian guy tried to explain to me what to write and how to fill in.. Even though I didn't ask for help, he still tried to explain, while I point here and there , nodding here and there.. Smiling here and there.. This is definitely a good start.

Touching down Moscow airport.

This was taken from the screen of the plane (Emirates has camera system installed outside the plane so passengers can see what is outside) Everything was covered in snow.

Moscow-Kursk.
Touched down, and sailed through the immigration with ease... We were picked up by seniors and got into a van which drove us to the hostel which is 8 hours away. Oh, did I mention it was 3 degrees out there? & it wasn't snowing but everywhere was filled with snow... I only can see white and brown through out the journey.. Nothing else. So, we arrived at the hostel around 3am and everyone was EXHAUSTED.. I think it is because of the jet lag. Thank god we have great seniors to help us move in and out the luggage from the van to our room.


Me and 2 new found friends. Aminah and Munga.

Kursk
Well, I've expected the condition of Kursk to be.. not so great.. maybe lower standard. But as I arrived.. I was shocked to see the room because it was smaller than it was expected. The toilets was disgustingly small. Remember my old room in Adelaide?? or my own room in my house.. Yes.. that's the size of the room here.. only that I'm sharing it with 2 other girls, my new found friend and another sarawakian. wow. shockingly small..

I'm not complaining and I don't want to go home. The fact is, I'm quite ok with it already.. On the 2nd day, I've already accepted this place.. It teaches you how to survive with such small spaces.. You'll learn how to organise your clothes and toiletries in a small shower room which consist of 2 nails for hanging purposes, and a dirty floor.. It teaches you how to buy what you need and not what you want. You have to think whether this things fits in your room because you just don't have that kind of space!! Russia is all about surviving. I think if you haven't been here, and came here, you'll definitely cry for home..


View from my window. While two of my roommates got a wall to stick and hang up their stuff, I got this big window beside my bed.


Yes, this is our room.



The spot I'm pointing at is my bed.


My super small study spot.


So, I'm now adapting to this new place and I'm quite happy!

Oh, did I mention that we have to buy our own washing machine, fridge, hangers, dryers, pans,pots, spoon, fork.. everything?

okay, about my new found friend.. Yes, her name is Michelle.. her full name is Michelle Munga Idi. She's a Lunbawang from Sarawak. & she laughs at anything and everything.. With her dry humour, we became fast friends.. I don't know why, I'm very in luck with the name "Michelle" . Last year, I had a "Michelle" as a roomate. This year, I have " Michelle" again as a roomate.. oh, and during the flight from KL- Kursk. She sat beside be. We didn't checked in together, but amazingly got the ticket side by side.. Call it fate.. or may be its just lady luck bestowing more luck on me again!

So classes haven't start yet because we have to sit for another entrance test... nobody told us that would be an entrance test.. Yesterday, we had English test.. it was amazingly easy because everyone started laughing as soon as they saw the questions. Even the seniors told us to prepare to laugh when you see the question. Example of one question:
What is the person who sells vegetables call?

So?? Do you know the answer to this??




VEGETABLE SELLER LAH! what else? or anything closest to the meaning of it.


So that conclude this entry. I think this is quite a life changing experience and you'll learn how to adapt and make use of what you have... so, why not Kursk?

p.s I've finally unpacked everything.. and it doesn't feel like a chicken coop anymore..